i have started this process about once a year over the past 5 years. by process i mean that i have made the same decision to begin losing multiple times over the years. unfortunately, the process tends to come to a screeching halt one to two weeks into it's evolution. this is what causes the repeat of the process, the fact that it never takes a strong enough hold for me to hit success. i get bogged down in mix of work, stress, procrastination and personal comfort of having more than required. the process grinds to a halt and waits for me to begin again.
the last time i successfully pushed the process to completion was 2004. i had just fought off two months of bronchitis, and while wheezing, light headed and dizzy at the top of the 3rd floor staircase i decided something needed to be done. i had been on an inhaler for 2 years, and had come to believe that my lungs were not just weak, but that i was allergic to something around me. the suspects where bread, pasta, beer, dust and christmas. that last one was the hardest to explain, but three years running i has begun coughing with the imminent arrival of saint nick. i was not anti-christmas, but it was long past trying to explain, i needed to do something.
that night i went downstairs to begin exercising for the first time in years. i had been a varsity athlete in high school. i had letters in three sports, had always swam, run and rode. a few years after college i had won a 10-K along the beach. i still felt like the athlete was in there. he might have spent more than a few too many nights on the couch, curled up under a blanket feeling warm and happy, but i thought he would get up and run if asked.
i managed to go about 20 minutes that first night. i coughed my way through the run, which honestly only lasted 17 minutes but my ego still requires me to round up. my lungs were on fire, screaming for oxygen, but the real pain came from my legs. i was suffering through dragging 280 lbs onto the treadmill, while the athlete who i remembered gliding along watching the waves while running that 10-K had been about to 190.
over the 6 months that followed that first run was the most massive period of loss in my life. i changed many things at that time, part of finding my new balance as nearly a third of myself slowly melting away. i shaved my head, replaced my wardrobe twice and discovered a new focus. i learned to push myself again, and promised to never get back to where i was before i had decided to lose myself. as i made that promise, i knew that in many ways i was lying. i knew i didn't dislike the other self enough to keep cycling away from him. i knew that given similar circumstances, i would make the same choices again.
i am not that same pre-loss person, but i have spent the past 6 years growing my over achieving weight-line. my allergies are back; finding myself most strongly allergic to beijing. i am on the inhaler again, having just spent 3 weeks coughing through persistant bronchitis of the past, and this morning i weighed in at 290 lbs. i have also been beta-blocking stress-induced hypertension for the past few months, which might be treating the symtoms more than the cause.
i can get on the treadmill or bike and go for 45 minutes, so i have not lost the athlete completely, but he would rather be on the couch than anywhere else. i feel strong in some ways, and stiff and old in others. i miss that feeling of ticking along on a ride, warm and in the groove. i miss feeling like an athlete. it's time to get back my balance, even it it takes changing the center of gravity.
this is the announcement that i am about to lose myself again. i am going to set the achievable goal of 1 lb per week for the next year. my goal is to lose 70 lbs overall. i have a pair of pink shorts that my belgium friend bought me years ago. i want to slip my body into those and know that i had to work to get there. when i get down to 220 lbs i will be the nearly 50 year old version of the kid that swam rather than lifting weights for football. last week i watched a stage of the tour de france, and felt the athlete within crave to be on the bike climbing hills. its going to take more than craving to get this done, but i have a plan and it is time to execute on it.
i want the process to take hold and help me melt the past few years away. i need to get down and get it done. i will get on the bike and pedel, i will get on the treadmill and run, i will feel like i am going to throw up as i climb a hill in the blazing heat. i will monitor the progress and push myself. but most of all, i will keep the movement going.
i am going to lose, because i decided it's time to gain.
